"They're intimidated by your enthusiasm."

“They’re intimidated by your enthusiasm.”

I was involved with a social justice organization called Jubilee USA for about 10 ½ years.  To briefly explain, its focus was on global economic and social justice.  I cared about this cause deeply because it got to the root of poverty, and I felt like I could wrap my head around the complexity of the issues and share it with others.

I first heard about the issue through Bono’s involvement in the Jubilee 2000 campaign, whose goal was to cancel poor country debts by the end of the year 2000.  This Old Testament principle of Jubilee called for a cancellation of debts and freeing of slaves – it’s a liberation from poverty.  I had first heard about it in 1999, but didn’t get heavily involved until the end of 2000 and early 2001, when I was 24, struggling with my life, and looking for a way to be a part of something larger than myself.  So I jumped in head first, learned as much as I could about the issue, and contacted the national organization to find out how to get involved.

In early 2001, I went to a national meeting in Denver – my first time ever on a plane – and met a lot of really great people.  I also met a lot of people who didn’t know what to do with this extremely enthusiastic U2 fan who was ON FIRE for this issue.  I was (politely) adamant that we needed to do outreach during U2’s upcoming tour, because there was talk of us having tables at the arenas, and I knew how effective other organizations had been in growing their membership when tabling at shows.  While some people really loved that I was so engaged (and I am forever grateful to those people – they are wonderful), many of the staff and older activists basically politely told me to shut up – either overtly, or by disregarding my ideas. 

They were kind of activist snobs – people who wanted a large grassroots base, but only if you fit their definition of what was acceptable, and fans of some rock band were crazy and would never get it.  (On a side note, we did actually have tables at the U2 shows, and I organized some of them.  It was really exciting, but I definitely felt like many in the organization didn’t want to be bothered.)

At the time, I know I was less than polished, but few people took the time to guide me and offer advice.  I think they just wanted me to go away.  I honestly didn’t understand why they were behaving this way.  I never once asked to meet Bono, I only mentioned U2 when it was related to doing outreach, and I was very open to listening to advice and learning as much as I could. 

One day, I was talking to another activist – an older pastor from Texas who was also frustrated with the lack of ambition he saw from the organization – and he told me that “they’re intimidated by your enthusiasm.”  It stopped me in my tracks.  For whatever reason or combination of reasons – sexism, small mindedness about what an “activist” is, self-consciousness about their own abilities and ideas – they tried to diminish me.  And because I wanted to be involved with this movement so much, I internalized it.  I allowed myself to be less than the fullest and most honest expression of myself.  And I found myself eventually sending that message to other activists.  I remember thinking really huge, world-changing thoughts, and then the powerful little voice said, “Oh that’ll never work.”  And so I settled for less.  I kept my mouth shut more times that I should have.  I didn’t have a strong enough sense of self-worth to understand that I didn’t need to believe these things.  It has affected so much of my life, and I’m tired of it.  It is soul crushing.

Sometime in 2001 – maybe spring or summer – I heard this song for the first time.  I remember exactly where I was – sitting in my office at my job, and it came on the radio.  I heard the line “When you’re trying hard to be your best, could you be a little less,” and started crying.  Oh my God, Madonna knows!  Of course she knows!  This is exactly how I feel!

The situation and my feelings about what happened have evolved a bit, and I see that there were some philosophical differences between Bono’s views and some of these activists’ views, and that partially contributed to their dislike of me.  But no one ever said it to me, like I was fragile and would be offended, or too stupid to understand.  And as some of you know, my involvement with Jubilee ended Very Badly a few years ago (that’s another super long story, but if you want to hear it, I’ll tell you all about it).  I will say, though, that sexism and racism are alive and well in the broader social justice movement, and I don’t know how we can possibly make the world better if we can’t even change our own entrenched, unjust attitudes.  If you want to change the world, you HAVE to be a little nuts.  You HAVE to recognize existing power dynamics and fix them.  You HAVE to think that the impossible thing is totally doable.

As for this song, I can’t find a video that includes Madge’s full vocal (she seems to have put the kibosh on unauthorized sharing of her music online), so I’ll post the video with a remix of the song and then include the lyrics below.  Some of you may know that the video is pretty controversial and somewhat violent, but that’s the artistic point she’s making – if you think this is violent, think about what women go through on a daily basis.  I think it’s perfect.


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cAgaPk4GHPY 

[Spoken:]
Girls can wear jeans
And cut their hair short
Wear shirts and boots
'Cause it's OK to be a boy
But for a boy to look like a girl is degrading
'Cause you think that being a girl is degrading
But secretly you'd love to know what it's like
Wouldn't you
What it feels like for a girl

Silky smooth
Lips as sweet as candy, baby
Tight blue jeans
Skin that shows in patches

Strong inside but you don't know it
Good little girls they never show it
When you open up your mouth to speak
Could you be a little weak

Do you know what it feels like for a girl
Do you know what it feels like in this world
For a girl

Hair that twirls on finger tips so gently, baby
Hands that rest on jutting hips repenting

Hurt that's not supposed to show
And tears that fall when no one knows
When you're trying hard to be your best
Could you be a little less

Do you know what it feels like for a girl
Do you know what it feels like in this world
What it feels like for a girl

Strong inside but you don't know it
Good little girls they never show it
When you open up your mouth to speak
Could you be a little weak

Do you know what it feels like for a girl
Do you know what it feels like in this world
For a girl

In this world
Do you know
Do you know
Do you know what it feels like for a girl
What it feels like in this world