I have been wanting to write this post for a while, but
wasn’t quite sure of the tone I wanted to take. It will likely be very long, maybe take a tangent or two,
but I hope you’ll hang in there with me.
I first have to explain that “Every Breaking Wave” is, hands
down, my favorite song on the new album.
It is about two lovers whose relationship can’t survive because of their
inability and/or unwillingness to overcome the difficult circumstances of their
lives. Bono said it’s been his
favorite to perform on this tour.
It’s so beautiful.
There is a line that rips my heart out every time I hear it:
“Like every breaking wave on the shore, this is as far as I
could reach.”
In fact, the first time I heard it live, a few weeks ago, I
cried when Bono sang those words.
A lot.
I had a somewhat traumatic childhood and a strained
relationship with both of my parents.
I don’t say that asking for pity, but only to explain that I surrounded
myself with music as a way to bring joy into my life. Because I felt like both of my parents had let me down in
significant ways, I became very angry and developed impossibly high
expectations for myself and others.
It became an excuse to push people away when I became disappointed that
they weren’t perfect. That they
weren’t reaching as far as I wanted them to.
When I became a U2 fan, I really did idolize them. I put them on a pedestal and wanted to
meet them. I wanted them to
validate me. I was especially
drawn to Bono because he’s charismatic and smart and gregarious. A perfect target for my unresolved
daddy issues.
I joined the Jubilee movement because Bono inspired me, and
even though I didn’t join to meet him, I…okay I kind of wanted to meet
him. I wanted him to know my name,
because somehow I thought that it would make me important. And then he left, and started another
organization. I am eternally
grateful for the inspiration – it has set me on an incredibly life-affirming
path, but I have a lot of philosophical problems with the work he’s currently
doing. I won’t get into here
because it will probably offend a lot of people. I’ll just say that when he has the conversation with his
19-year-old self during Bullet the Blue Sky, and young Bono is scolding him for
the hypocrisy of “fighting poverty” while flying on private jets and hanging
out with rich people, I am that 19-year-old. I don’t think he’s naïve – I think he echoes the calls of
the people living the injustice.
Bono talks about vision over visibility; that the goal is more important
than the attention he gets from doing the work. But I am disappointed by the message it sends that you care
about the poor, but not enough to stop vacationing on your yacht. He’s not willing to reach that far.
The other disappointment is the way they run ticket sales
and the GA line. They used to take
care of fan club members. They’ve
said that they want their fans to get first dibs at tickets. But not enough to take on the corrupt
Ticketmaster monster in a meaningful way.
This has been going on for several tours. I hope that what happened in New York will change things,
but probably not. And they still
haven’t figured out a safe, security-run GA line system that other bands
figured out a long time ago. It
just requires a little bit of extra effort. But they aren’t willing to reach that far.
And lastly, I say this with all of the love in my heart, but
we as fans have to respect ourselves enough to say no to them. We get so caught up in seeing them
live, in filling that hole in our hearts, that we will do anything. We still buy from ticket resellers (who
are really scalpers) because we want to be in the room. We want that validation. I love them,
and I love all of you. I cannot
imagine my life without this music and without the friendships I’ve made along
the way. But I would rather miss a
show than be that desperate. I
want to be treated with dignity, not like some fool who will do anything, so
why should they bother making it a safer, better process. How far are we willing to reach to say
enough?
On a side note, I also wanted to point out that my former
boss at the crazy job I left last fall was also a boat captain. He spent so much time (and preferred)
being on a boat, that he didn’t run his company. He didn’t care enough that I was struggling to stay
afloat. Like U2, he said he cared,
but his actions said otherwise. I spent a lot of time being angry at him
because he let me down repeatedly.
I had to leave to save my sanity.
I, unfortunately, sometimes think of him when I hear this song because
of the reference to the sailor and the “shipwrecked soul.” You get to a point where the other
person won’t meet you halfway, and maybe is sucking the life out of you, and
you cannot reach anymore.
I recognize that it’s probably not fair to have such high
expectations. We are all
human. Maybe it’s enough just to
have fun and be alive in the moment.
But fairness and doing what is right is so important to me, that even
when I see myself or someone else fall short of that, I still want to try to do
better. Otherwise, what’s the
point?
So when I hear those words being sung by the person who I
wanted to see me, and acknowledge me, and make me feel special, I feel a
physical ache knowing that that probably won’t happen. If I meet any of them at some point,
that’s fine, but I don’t need it anymore.
It’s actually very freeing to be “willing to be swept off our feet, and
stop chasing every breaking wave.”
I wish that for all of you who are struggling with whatever hurt is in
your heart.
I really love the live version, and this performance is
especially powerful. I think I
spent a full week after the last NYC shows just looking for performances of
this song. Bono puts his whole
self into the song. And can we get
some love for Edge on piano? The
best!
Thank you so much for reading. I welcome any discussion, either in the comments below, or
as a private message. I promise
tomorrow night’s post will be a lot more fun!
#YearlongMixtape
#U2Week
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